Alright, folks. Here is the completely definitive, non-negotiable, you don’t get to have your own alternative opinion list of the best snacks for gamers. If you've ever been sitting on your couch gaming away, mowing down nubes down like a midwestern dad who just bought a new weed wacker, and thought to yourself, "by golly I sure am hungry," then this is a great list for you.
Everybody needs to replenish their fuel reserves, and for the everyday gamer, prepare to make this list your holy grail of gains. I promise, if you stick to this diet, you will absolutely see no improvement in your physical physique, and isn’t that what being a gamer is all about?
So without further ado, strap yourselves in and get ready for the list you’ve always been waiting for:
Yeah, I'm aware this isn't a snack, geez. Are you really going to criticize me for condoning drinking? Christ. Shut up and drink you ignorant nerds.
As they say in France, if you can’t do it drunk, you shouldn’t attempt it sober.
2. French Fries
If you don't like french fries you're dead to me. Crinkle cut, shoestring, waffle, steak, wedge? I don't care what form they come in. Take my money and give me the fries.
I'll stuff processed and artificially dyed cheese into my body any day of the week - and you should too. Are nachos healthy? No. Do I care? Not even a little. And neither should you.
When I think of a nerdy gamer geeking on the newest Call of Duty or slamming some Candy Crush like it’s nobody’s business, or whatever other crap you freaks do, I picture a heaping vat of gross orangey melted cheese poured all over a tremendously disappointing pile of bottom shelf quality chips. Go ahead, change my perception. I dare you to try.
4. Pizza Rolls
Growing up is overrated. Take a trip down memory lane and throw some pizza rolls in the microwave. They'll taste like crap because your mom didn't make them, but if you really care that much then move back home and ruin her life. See if she still loves you when you're 33 and living on the couch. I'm guessing she won't.
And to be quite frank, I find it unlikely anybody will. Step your game up son. Get your own apartment and stop playing Wii Sports.
5. Beef Jerky
I saw a jerky commercial with Sasquatch in it once. Not sure how that's relevant, but sure. Whatever helps you sell sad meat sticks. Just some guys being dudes.
I think what I learned from those ads is that if you advertise down to the lowest IQ group in society, young adult men, they’ll pretty much buy whatever you put in front of them. Advertise to the dumbest segment of the population and baby, you got a winner on your hands. Sit back and watch American consumerism at its finest.
6. Spray Cheese
God bless your heart if you're an adult out there still eating spray cheese. I don't know who you are, and I swear to god I hope never meet you, but I just love imagining grown adults knocking back a can of cheese after a long day of work.
Nothing screams, “my life is in shambles, will anybody help me?” like the image of a man in his mom’s basement killing 2 cans of Easy Cheese a day. Whenever you’re feeling down on your luck, just remind yourself, at least you’re not that guy. And if you are that guy out there right now, reading this article, thinking, “hey, what the hell do you mean?” Well I want to make something super clear, I mean you're pathetic. Fix your life.
7. Potato Chips
Nothing says classic video gamer snack like potato chip. Will your hands get a little greasy? Sure. But that's why you have a shirt - to wipe your hands on.
I don't care if its thin crust, deep dish, Little Caesars, Papa John's or Our Lady of Mercy's Hip Pizza Joint. Nothing fires me up like a slice of pizza. It's the perfect gaming food. You only need one hand and its processed as hell so you can leave it out overnight with (probably) no issues.
Recently, somebody asked me what my favorite pizza place is. It’s a pretty easy answer. I don’t have a be all, end all favorite pizza place. I like to say that pizza is a lot like sex. Even when it’s not that good...it’s still pretty good. Does that make me a scumbag? I don’t know - but personally I kind of hope so. Moving on.
9. Red Bull
Whoever said mixing alcohol with caffeine was a moron. Crack some cans and ride the dragon my friends.
I’m not a doctor, and this is terrible advice, but I really don’t care. Just don’t come crying to me when your liver ruptures, I’ll delete this post faster than you can file a lawsuit.
Marshawn Lynch won a Super Bowl eating Skittles on the bench. Rip a few bags and you should have no trouble wrecking a bunch of 13 year old dusters in Fortnite.
Alright nerds, there you go. Take this list, go forth, and ruin your health. Your body is a temple - ancient and crumbling. So why bother fixing it up? Might as well really go for it and run it into the ground for good measure.